More than a week ago I reached my 30th year in this planet. It is a milestone, not everyone get to reach their 30s right? I should have written something about it but I was so busy the entire month of May that everything seemed to be a blur. I was always busy and exhausted but happy during my birth month. All those travels (work related and personal vacation) took much of my time and those days I am not travelling I am catching up with all the paper works. Anyway, I just wanted to write something about my 30th year in this beautiful world and how I am feeling about it. Most people dread the big 3-0 but I am kind of ready for this. Ever since I reached 28, I already considered my self in my 30s. Age is just a number anyway and I realized after all these years (and despite the challenges I’ve faced), I will always be a kid at heart. I’ll always be this silly, crazy girl who’ll gushes over her fictional boyfriends, cry for fictional characters misfortunes and wishes to live in her favorite fictional worlds. When I was a little girl, I used to think that the grown ups are so cool, independent and in charge of their lives. I always imagine being old enough to decide for my own, to earn my own money and live my life the way I wanted it to be. It turned out that being an adult is not something that comes with a manual or something that would come with a signal telling me that “you’re a grown-up now, put on your big girl panties and take charge”. What I realized though is that being an adult or grown-up has nothing to do with age and everything to do with your mindset. I “matured” too early, probably the curse and blessing of being the first born. I used to think that everything has a timeline, that certain things must be accomplished within a time frame and for a while I struggle with that. I would feel pressured by not being able to do things that I thought I should have done within a certain period in my life. I used to feel so terrified of getting old and not accomplishing anything. Yeah, I used to be so hard on my self, I over analyze and I think too much. Then an epiphany of some sort came over me when I was in my mid twenties. I realized that no matter how tough some situations maybe, I would always survive it and that worrying is simply a waste of my imagination and time. Growing up I had this list of things that I wanted to accomplish before I reach 30. It was so easy to dream of great things when you are so young and see the world as your playground, willing to give you anything you wish for. I had great plans and tried so hard to follow them to a T, then reality slaps me in the face. Told me that there is no such thing as a well planned life. It made me realize that planning can only get you so far. I used to imagine that by 30, I am going to be this financially independent, elegant, smart, beautiful, relevant, confident woman. I used to dream that by 30, I already have a house of my own, a car, investments, holding an important position in a corporation, in a relationship with my future husband, already sent all my siblings to school, writing my first book and starting to build my own business. Reality check, this is kinda harsh, I have accomplished almost none in the list. What’s surprising is that I am happy, not contented but full of hope for good things to come. My fear before is that I will never be a “grown-up’ enough. You know, being responsible, respectable, honorable, confident. I always felt I am not ready to be an adult yet. Yeah, I have a job that I love, I am pursuing MBA, I am supporting my family but still I don’t feel like I am in my 30s. Probably because I always thought that I’ll have it all figured out when I reached this age and since I didn’t I felt like that, I am not ready yet. I realized life is really too short, there are just too many things to do and so little time. I felt like I only finished college and just working my way in the “real world”, took me awhile to find that job that I will love, took me a while to settle in a workplace. I felt like I am only beginning and since I had this notion that I will have all that I want when I reached 30, I felt like I never measured up. Then I realized that I did well, not according to plan but given the challenges I’ve through, I am doing quite well. Yeah, I wasn’t able to achieve those things my younger self wished for but I was able to do things I never even thought I could. I experienced things I haven’t even imagined. I went through unspeakable ordeals and got out of it alive, whole and sane. Growing old terrified me before, not because of the number but because I was so hung up on my expectations. I gave my self a tall order, I wasn’t able to deliver and I feel guilty. Now, I see life in an entirely new perspective, I am no longer encumbered by things of the past. Society expectations don’t bother me anymore. In all my years in this world, I have learned to stand up for my self, do what my hearts says and to hell with what will people say. I have come to a realization that life will never be easy but it will always be worth it. There is no formula or template for a successful life. I am my own person, I am not perfect but I love the person I have become. She’s more real, wise and free. I have learned as years passed by that with age comes wisdom. I think, act, speak so differently compared to my younger self. I have a confession to make though, I think I will never grow up fully. A part of me will always stay silly, innocent and crazy. Isn’t it ironic that when I was a kid I cannot wait to grow old and now that I am old enough I am afraid that I will never be mature enough ever. Humans!
So here’s to more years to come. May God always bless and guide me. I am looking forward to all the experiences, challenges, adventures, surprises, and love that this wonderful life has to offer. I know I am bound for greatness. I’ll conquer dreams and reach goals and I’ll keep going cause I am simply amazing.