Another late post. I wrote this when was I was so overwhelmed with my AR proposal last term. I was so excited to make the most of the term break. And now another term break (for a couple of weeks) just started and I just want to binge watch, read, eat, and over sleep.
April 13, 2016
I need to clear my mind. For the past couple of months I have been thrown in a huge blender of varying degree of stress, fatigue, excitement, and anxiety. I am so exhausted inside and out. I wish I have a remote control for life. I would pause everything, have some time with my self, pull myself together, and hit play again. When I was just starting this job, I thought I was busy but as years go by things get more and more complicated, more responsibilities has been added to me and things got crazier when I enrolled in MBA. I know it’s just a matter of time management and self-discipline and I seemed to be doing just fine until these recent months. I accepted additional work load last year and it seemed like there are still more to come. Well I will say no if it becomes too much. I don’t want to spread myself too thin.
I have been so busy recently, too busy that I don’t even get to enjoy the weekends. Those were dedicated to my school related tasks. Would you believe that I even purposely ignored an offer to go out on a date because I have to finish my final requirement for this term? So much for trying to meet new people and be more outgoing.
I have an action research proposal due this Saturday and I am kind of panicking. I was so sure with my topic, I am halfway done then this feeling of uncertainty crept in and now I am second guessing myself. It just dawned on me how much work this action research proposal entails. I am not even confident that I will get good results after implementing this action research. I need all the help I can get. I am now considering changing my topic but I don’t have enough time anymore. I need to calm down and focus.
Work is equally busy and challenging. I am still behind my financial reports. There are tons of paper works to go through every day. Student’s needs my assistance/guidance all the time. Problems here and there pop up all the time. I just can’t seem to keep up.
I want to treat myself this short term break. Go on a vacation with family, friends and alone. Go to a spa and get a massage. Sleep all day. Binge read on all the books I have started and left unfinished. Catch up on my favorite TV series. Learn to play the guitar. Finish that SQL online course I have started last week. I know. Why on earth did I start an online course when I am already drowning in things that I need to accomplish? Well, I got so burned out and sick of studying and working that I decided to pursue something different but still useful. This is my way of distracting myself from over analyzing things plus I got bored doing all these grown up stuff.
I am restless. One moment I feel like I got it all figured out, I know what to do next, what is my next move and next thing I knew I am overthinking things. My financial status, lack of love life, our home, my family, my health, my retirement (yup, I think about that too), will I ever get married and have children or do I even want? I would sometimes find myself asking a lot of things. Am I going in the right direction? Do all these things that keep me busy mean anything at all (yes I get philosophical sometimes)? Am I doing enough? Will I be proud of the things that I have done? Will I regret nothing in my death bed? Am I truly happy? Will I ever be truly happy? I would sometimes feel like I still haven’t accomplish anything at all. I am conflicted. I am the type who goes after what she wants with all her might but there are areas in my life that I barely do anything.
I would tell myself that I need to go out more, meet people, explore, and try new things but when weekend comes aside from school stuff all I do is stay in my own little world. So much for getting out of my shell and going out there. I have this urge to go crazy and carefree once in a while and I have never even try.
What is wrong with me? I am mess inside. I am confused and weary. I am trying so hard to put down into words what I am feeling but they seem to escape me. All I know is I am not okay. I am exhausted, worried, excited, annoyed and clueless.
Well I better go back to my action research proposal if I want to enjoy life at all. It’s like almost everything’s hanging because of this one requirement.
MBA is hard. But what I have realized is that it will really push you out of your comfort zone and force you work on your critical thinking. I hope that after I complete this degree, I am ready to go to battlefield.
I don’t know where my term break went. It was like a blur. Well, I was able to go to Baler and tried surfing for the first time (and I did well on my first try mind you).
I still can’t play a single song in the guitar. I only know two chords (A & E) and I am still having a hard time shifting from one chord to the other. I didn’t expected for it to be so hard, every time I practice my fingers would hurt so bad, I even worry they will end up bleeding.
I haven’t finished the online SQL I started months ago and I don’t know when I will finish it to be honest 😉
Another term break is upon me, I hope to enjoy the most out of it. Well it is going to be a busy one since this weekend would be my nephew’s christening (the reception will be at our home) and the weekend after that is my youngest sister’s 18th birthday. It will be a small party but it’s enough to keep me busy for the next few days. If I will be able to visit a spa and get a massage this term break, I’d be a very happy kid.