Twenties No More: Reality vs Expectations

More than a week ago I reached my 30th year in this planet. It is a milestone, not everyone get to reach their 30s right?  I should have written something about it but I was so busy the entire month of May that everything seemed to be a blur.   I was always busy and exhausted but happy during my birth month.  All those travels (work related and personal vacation) took much of my time and those days I am not travelling I am catching up with all the paper works.  Anyway, I just wanted to write something about my 30th year in this beautiful world and how I am feeling about it.  Most people dread the big 3-0 but I am kind of ready for this.  Ever since I reached 28, I already considered my self in my 30s.  Age is just a number anyway and I realized after all these years (and despite the challenges I’ve faced), I will always be a kid at heart. I’ll always be this silly, crazy girl who’ll gushes over her fictional boyfriends, cry for fictional characters misfortunes and wishes to live in her favorite fictional worlds. vintage 1985 When I was a little girl, I used to think that the grown ups are so cool, independent and in charge of their lives.  I always imagine being old enough to decide for my own, to earn my own money and live my life the way I wanted it to be.  It turned out that being an adult is not something that comes with a manual or something that would come with a signal telling me that “you’re a grown-up now, put on your big girl panties and take charge”. What I realized though is that being an adult or grown-up has nothing to do with age and everything to do with your mindset. growing up   I “matured” too early, probably the curse and blessing of being the first born. I used to think that everything has a timeline, that certain things must be accomplished within a time frame and for a while I struggle with that. I would feel pressured by not being able to do things that I thought I should have done within a certain period in my life.  I used to feel so terrified of getting old and not accomplishing anything.  Yeah, I used to be so hard on my self, I over analyze and I think too much.   Then an epiphany of some sort came over me when I was in my mid twenties.  I realized that no matter how tough some situations maybe, I would always survive it and that worrying is simply a waste of my imagination and time. Growing up I had this list of things that I wanted to accomplish before I reach 30.   It was so easy to dream of great things when you are so young and see the world as your playground, willing to give you anything you wish for.  I had great plans and tried so hard to follow them to a T, then reality slaps me in the face.  Told me that there is no such thing as a well planned life.  It made me realize that planning can only get you so far.  I used to imagine that by 30, I am going to be this financially independent, elegant, smart, beautiful, relevant, confident woman.   I used to dream that by 30, I already have a house of my own, a car, investments,  holding an important position in a corporation, in a relationship with my future husband, already sent all my siblings to school, writing my first book and starting to build my own business.  Reality check, this is kinda harsh, I have accomplished almost none in the list. What’s surprising is that I am happy, not contented but full of hope for good things to come. remember how far you've come My fear before is that I will never be a “grown-up’ enough. You know, being responsible, respectable, honorable, confident.  I always felt I am not ready to be an adult yet.  Yeah, I have a job that I love, I am pursuing MBA, I am supporting my family but still I don’t feel like I am in my 30s.  Probably because I always thought that  I’ll have it all figured out when I reached this age and since I didn’t I felt like that, I am not ready yet.  I realized life is really too short, there are just too many things to do and so little time.  I felt like I only finished college and just working my way in the “real world”, took me awhile to find that job that I will love, took me a while to settle in a workplace. I felt like I am only beginning and since I had this notion that I will have all that I want when I reached 30, I felt like I never measured up. its okay not to be perfect by 30 Then I realized that I did well, not according to plan but given the challenges I’ve through, I am doing quite well.  Yeah, I wasn’t able to achieve those things my younger self wished for but I was able to do things I never even thought I could.  I experienced things I haven’t even imagined. I went through unspeakable ordeals and got out of it alive, whole and sane. Growing old terrified me before, not because of the number but because I was so hung up on my expectations.  I gave my self a tall order, I wasn’t able to deliver and I feel guilty. life we planned to life that is waiting for us Now, I see life in an entirely new perspective, I am no longer encumbered by things of the past.  Society expectations don’t bother me anymore.  In all my years in this world, I have learned to stand up for my self, do what my hearts says and to hell with what will people say.  I have come to a realization that life will never be easy but it will always be worth it.  There is no formula or template for a successful life.  I am my own person, I am not perfect but I love the person I have become.  She’s more real, wise and free. I have learned as years passed by that with age comes wisdom.  I think, act, speak so differently compared to my younger self.     i fought to become herI have a confession to make though, I think I will never grow up fully.  A part of me will always stay silly, innocent and crazy.  Isn’t it ironic that when I was a kid I cannot wait to grow old and now that I am old enough I am afraid that I will never be mature enough ever. Humans!

So here’s to  more years to come.  May God always bless and guide me.  I am looking forward to all the experiences, challenges, adventures, surprises, and love that this wonderful life has to offer.  I know I am bound for greatness.  I’ll conquer dreams and reach goals and I’ll keep going cause I am simply amazing. Whatever-you-think-you-want-do-whatever

The Cosmos and I

May 24, 2014

12:00 am

Just finished watching episode 4 of Cosmos: A Space Time Odyssey. Learning about science and the cosmos in particular is a fantastic experience for me.  The universe have always fascinated me ever since I was a kid, though I never really got into it.  Seeing the wonders of the cosmos brings me back to that time, the moment I first laid eyes on a picture of the solar system, with its beautiful planets. Life and the whole cosmos is a mystery to me and will always be. I have this sudden urge to become an an astrophysicist. When I was a kid, I wanted to become an astronaut for a while then I forgot about it. Trying to make sense of the what’s going around us is amazing and tedious at the same time. Like most people, I am content to watch those great scientists/physicists do their thing and wait for great discoveries. We may not care much about it but we owe a lot to them, especially those who started it, back when resources are scarce, information is limited, society’s not ready for things they can’t understand and religion trying to answer every question with “God created it all”.

I am so amazed at the fact that the universe is 13.8 billion year old. Wow, I can’t even comprehend that huge number. Watching this kind of shows, made me question a lot to things I have been taught since I was a kid. I am a catholic and hearing Neil de Grasse Tyson talk about the natural selection and big bang theory makes me feel weird. Why? Cause they actually make sense. I am not saying that am buying the whole evolution thing, I haven’t read the book, nor really looked into the whole thing. I remember saying before that if we descended from monkeys, there shouldn’t be monkeys anymore, since we already evolved.  Now, I am actually seeing Darwin’s point but not really fully understanding it. I would love to learn more about it.  The Big Bang theory opposed to the biblical explanation of Creation, the TV show had simplified the process but I can barely grasp the idea but I want to know more.  I want to go back to the time when universe was created, how the first living organism came to being.  They said it was a microbe and life started at the ocean. I don’t know where do I really stand, do I side with what religion taught me or with science? I am just a wide eyed girl who’s just excited to know more. In my mind, I believe that science can explain how creation actually happened in details. That’s probably never going to happen.  Anyway, I was galvanized by that TV show and I hope more people will watch it.

One more day and I will be 29. Oh dear, time sure did flew so fast. How did that happened? It felt as if I am still in my early twenties, going through life unsteadily, still finding my way, hoping to find my “rightful” place in this world.  On the grand scheme of things, thinking of the cosmos made me realize how small I am and how inconsequential my existence has been. Not being mellow-dramatic but really, what did I ever done for this world? When I perished, the world will still be the same, nobody would care.  It made me a bit sad.  Like those great physicists and astronomers, I want to leave a legacy, something that will stay in this world long after I am gone. I don’t want to be just another human who lived and died.  I want to make a difference, I want to contribute, I want to be worthy of the life I have been given.  Lately, all I am thinking is how to succeed in my career, to earn more money, have a beautiful house, buy a kick ass car, striving for financial independence but in the end does any of it matters?  I refuse to believe that this is what life is all about. Waking up, going to work, sleeping and doing them all over again.

What is the essence of life anyway? To love, to sacrifice, to be worldly, to inspire people, to create, to be holy? I don’t know, I am just taking it one day at a time, hoping that an epiphany will visit me and finally tell how to make the most out this life.  Sometimes I just want to be practical, to tell myself that I am lucky enough to survive this dangerous world, to just conform to the norm and live like everyone else, grateful for everything I have and not bothering to think of things that are far from my reach. Then there were those times that I am telling myself that I just have to seek God and everything else will fall into their proper places, just submit to God’s plan and do my best to be a woman of God.  Sometimes I would convince myself that I am destined for great things, that there’s so much more I can do, that adventures are just waiting for me and that I am unstoppable, everything is possible and the society can just go fuck themselves cause I am not bowing to their decree.

Here I am, staying up too late again. Almost 3 decades in this world and still feels like a kid navigating her way through the complicated world.  I changed over the years; though my objectives are quiet the same.

Dear self, just enjoy life, you deserve it. If people don’t treat you nicely that is no longer your problem. Never depend your happiness on other people, you’ll always be disappointed, not all people are like you, there’s only you after all.  From now on, keep this in mind; your first responsibility is to make yourself happy and your life beautiful.  Come to think of it, whether you die a famous person or not, it doesn’t matter.  People may remember you after you died but so what?  Your dead already, you will not hear their praises. Just enjoy life, that’s what life is all about, at least for you. Other people might have other plans for themselves and for the world and that’s fine, this is how life is in the larger picture. People of different kinds; going through their day, planning ahead, doing things that make them happy.  Humans create and destroy, make peace and war, hate and love and you’ll get lost with all the drama and at the end of the day you only have yourself to hold on to.  So much chaos, people going after what they want, convincing other people to like what they are doing, hating those who disagree.  I will just do my best to distance myself from all the craziness around me and just chill, life is too short and whether there’s life after death at least I had a great time here on earth.  Happy Birthday dear Amabelle. You are doing just fine, keep going, do what your heart tells you to, chase your dreams wherever you may find it and always be true to yourself.

Thank you Dear God for the gift of life, for the good health, for the people I love and for this beautiful, mysterious world you put me in. I love you.

Jitters

In 12 days I will be turning 29, what?! 29?! Where have all the years gone? Time flew so fast, it’s like I was still 23 yesterday and I woke up about to turn 29.  Well first off  I am so glad I am almost 29 and so looking forward to more years and getting older.  It’s just that I  can’t believe that it has been almost 3 decades since I was born. Sometimes I would say that so much had happened but sometimes I would say that my life has been uneventful for most part.  This is probably what they call birthday jitter or pre-birthday jitter rather, I don’t even know why I am bothered by another year added to my age, age is just a number as they say.  Maybe because I am messing with myself, feeling unworthy of my years because I haven’t accomplished much (here I go again belittling myself). Back then when I was still in school, when everything’s possible, I had this timeline in mind, like finishing college at the age of 21, land a good position in a prestigious company, start helping the family, saving lots of money, send the siblings to school, start up a business at 25, buy my own house and a car at 27, travel the world in my 30’s and oh of course fall in love, get married by 35 and have kids, I will be a great wife and mother and a very successful business woman and I lived happily ever after.  Sounds great but that is not how life operates, life loves messing up with your grand plans.  Life will throw so much hurdles your way, it will surprise the heck out of you, will make your life so complicated then helps you out when you felt like you can’t take no more.  If I am to describe life, it goes like this:

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything’s okay and everything’s going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything’s gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face  – Ironic (Alanis Morissete)

On the bright side, life will never be boring, that’s for sure.  You’ll never know what’s coming your way, on that note, life is exciting.  So how am I doing? Great actually, for the longest time I have looking for a job that I will truly love and God finally granted my wish, I now have a career instead of a mere job, you know, loving what you are doing, learning so much along the way, inspiring you to be a better person, making you dream of bigger thing.  Career wise, I am the right on track and  if I all my plans went along well I’d be the happiest person in the planet. My sister just graduated from college last month and that made me very happy.  I busted my ass to send my siblings to school. I hope at this point, I can finally save and pursue graduate study.

I feel so old when I think of all the plans that are yet to materialize, I felt like I failed myself.  I probably feel better if I stop thinking too much and putting pressure to my self but that’s who I am.  I can’t stop, I won’t stop, I will go after my heart’s desire even if its the last thing I’ll do.  I have grand dreams, dreams that most might call silly or impossible but it doesn’t cost  a thing to dream so I dream on and on.  That is what really bothers me.  Not accomplishing all my goals at this age.  I just want to so much more than who I am right now.  I am destined for great things, I am born to excel, to conquer.  It may took me too long to be where I want to be but I am patient, stubborn and resilient.  I will not give up just because the people around me won’t cooperate or the world have other plans for me.

And I feel so young sometimes, l am childlike most of the time (when I am not drowning in my crazy thoughts), like I don’t deserve to be called a woman cause I am still a child at heart.  Cartoons still make me giddy, I laugh at the silliest things, I am not sophisticated nor elegant. Maybe this is the result of my growing up too fast since I was the eldest child, I am now making up for all those years that I should have been playing.  It is only lately that I am wearing make up and girly clothes.  I feel like I am just in my late teens-early twenties, when I am just discovering my fashion style, I am just starting to develop my confidence.  I aim to become this elegant, sophisticated, intellectual, confident, strong woman and yet most of the time I am still a child at heart.  I’ll probably never be the ideal woman of the world and that’s fine but for now I’d like to see and try.

Well advance happy birthday to me.  Despite all the crazy thoughts running through my mind, I know I am blessed, I am loved.  I am awesome.  God blessed me with strength and wisdom to go after my dreams.  Life is beautiful.