A Bully in Sheep’s Clothing

There are those bullies who will beat you up, bash you in social media, or say mean things to your face but nothing’s worse than those who put a fake smile on their ugly faces and say not so nice things to you and then pretend they never said those words and make you look like you are making up words that could create conflict between people.  They are so freaking annoying and if I’ll let my emotions get the best of me, I’d punch that particular someone in the face. But I am a mature human being so I’ll let that slide but I will never forget what that bitch said, freaking two-face.

bully playing victim

I am so freaking pissed right now.  There’s this person who said something to me and I relayed what she said to the person concerned, once she got confronted for it, she make it sound as if I made those words up, when I only said the exact words she uttered in front of me (next time I should have a recorder ready when she’s around). I am like “What is problem? You said those words, stand by it.”  Liar, liar, pants on fire.

We’ll the world is not perfect, there would be always be people like them. I was just minding my own business, she came to me and said those words, now she does not have the balls to stand by why what she said.She can say it to my face because she sees me as nobody and I don’t care she’s also a nobody to me.

darling you're so fake

A Day of Mourning

Today, January 30, 2015, is the National Day of Mourning for the 44 PNP Special Action Force commandos killed during the “misencounter” with alleged members of the Moro Islamic Liberation Front and breakaway group Bangsamoro Islamic Freedom fighters at Mamasapano, Maguindanao while chasing high-ranking terrorists Zulkifli Abdhir and Basit Usman.  All public institutions and military installations, are instructed to lower the Philippine flag to half-mast in honor of the members of the Philippine National Police Special Action Force. A day when not only the country mourns the fallen 44 but also cries for justice and truth.  Justice for their death and truth as to what really happened and how a covert operation turned into an ambush/massacre.

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A day of mourning it is, but it’s also a day of rage and cry for justice and truth. And where the hell is our feakin President?

I was trying so hard to fight my tears during the mass when the priest offered a special prayer for the fallen PNP-SAF members. I know that death in that line of work is expected.  What is unacceptable is the fact that it look likes they were a flock of sheep lured into a den of wolves. Whatever happened to the intel? Is there any?  This has happened during the peace talk between the government and MILF.  This is how they think peace is all about? They call it misencounter, whatever that means, I call this massacre.

Where do we go from here? After the fallen commandos  have been given their medal of valor and laid to their resting place?  What now? Should we proceed with the peace process or should we stop it until the justice has been served? Or should we just scrap the whole peace talk?

Some want to call  the peace process to a halt and get even with those rebels and it’s understandable but what happens next?  Will the terror and violence end after an all out war with those who fight the government?  Or will it only be the beginning of a civil war that will take thousands of lives on a regular basis. Such as what is happening with Israel and Palestine. Should we live our lives with death and violence on a daily basis? I am all for the peace talk but I want those perpetrators brought to justice first.  We shouldn’t let them get away with this.

This reminds me of the Maguindanao Massacre, which until now remain unsolved.

Life is just so complicated,messy,dangerous and heart wrenching but here we are clinging on to it so dearly.

P.S

Shame on our President, the Commander-in-Chief, Pres. Benigno Aquino for not attending the arrivals rights of the fallen SAF in Villamor Airbase, is this how he pay his respects to those “heroes”?  Instead he was at an inauguration of an automobile plant somewhere in Laguna.  Wow, just think on how he set his priorities.  Netizens showed their outrage by hastagging nasaanangpangulo (where is the president?).   The father of our nation does not even have the decency to show up at the arrival rights of his “children” who died following his orders. For shame.  

 I bet his sister, the actress, Kris Aquino, would be doing her best to create scandals to divert the Filipino’s attention (who happened to have short-term memory as the history says and based from my observations).

Its more Fun in the Philippines they say.

Tired

I need to get out of this bad mood or I won’t get anything done.  I start the day angry, disappointed and miserable, thanks to a family member that just won’t quit messing up with my life. If could see him now, I would punch him so freaking hard.  This episode put me in a very grumpy state.  I started remembering all the bad things he did to me.

I don’t deserve this (but then I am sure I am not the only one who shouts this in despair).  I don’t mean to sound so depressed or dejected, I just need to get this out of my system.  What happened this morning made me reevaluate so many things in my life.  It reminded me of how much shit I put up with just so I can help the whole family and what do I get in return?  The usual, humiliation, disappointment, headaches and ungratefulness.  This made me think of reassessing my priorities and of putting myself first.  I have so many plans for changes in my life at the moment.  I asked God to guide me and don’t let me do anything rash and to make me stronger and never succumb to my raging emotions.

I just hate this feeling of being trapped in a place you want to get away from but stayed anyway because of sense of responsibility.  I want to run away from everyone.  I need space.

I am so tired and I can’t even afford to stop for a while. So many people rely on me, the same people who hurt me.

It Only Just Begun

Just got my Enrollment Assessment Form aka EAF and paid for the 60% of my tuition and fees.  Yes, installment basis, studying in this university is very expensive and stupid of me I wasn’t able to apply for a scholarship, next term I am so applying for a scholarship.  It’s official I am a Lasallian, sounds surreal, really. I have been working here for couple of years so the term really didn’t mean anything to me.   I am supposed to be happy but the moment I looked upon my EAF , I was so surprised (not in a good way).  Firstly, because of the amount I have to pay, it was not the amount I expected because when I was enrolling online, the assessment I saw was 9,000 lower than what appeared in EAF.  How could 6 units in a term could cost so much?  Now I am so pissed at myself for not pursuing the application for scholarship.  I have to get over this and forgive myself cause there is nothing that I could change.  Secondly,  the venue for my class. While I was enrolling online I was very mindful of the section since I am aware there are also sections in Makati and Ortigas extension campuses.  Imagine my shock when I saw all my subjects with the section code for Makati campus.  What the heck?  One of the reasons I chose to study in this university is because I also work here.  It’s very convenient to me,  well not anymore.  My office hours are from 9:00 am  to 6:00 pm ,then I have class once a week at 6:00 to 9:15 pm.  How on earth could I manage to come on time for that subject?  It’s rush hour for pity’s sake, damn it.  I have to do something about this.  It’s okay for my Saturday class to be in Makati, I can manage that.  Wow. I wasn’t even starting to attend classes and I have to take care of so many things already.  Well, I wanted this, I could have spare myself all the trouble but then again I wanted this.  Consider this an investment, a sound investment.

I just have to let it out and now I am feeling better, not great but better. Welcome to the world you’ve always wanted to conquer and it only just begun.

What a day!

May 11, 2014

 

Had I get up the moment I woke up, this wouldn’t had happened. Had I get up had breakfast and read or worked out as I planned last night this wouldn’t had happened. Tons of possibilities but it was over anyway. Now I am left with  a device that is defective and a day ruined.  I know it is up to me whether this day will continue to a bad one or better. I am just pissed with myself and the rest of the world. Damn it, I am supposed to be saving every penny I can not spend more. 

Ever the optimist that I am I asked myself what did I learned from this fiasco? First, never assume anything without exhausting every possible angle. You’ll waste too much energy, be upset and say or do things you will no under other circumstances. Second, Do not freakin’ ever give in to your temper especially when there are delicate things involved. Darn! I should have thrown something else  or just scream till I am out of breath. I always   knew I have a hell of a temper and I always tried my best to curb it, never succumbing to it. Well today I failed and my poor cellphone is the victim.  I just bought it 5 months ago damn it. And I intend to use it until it fall apart (OK that’s an exaggeration). Oh dear this is supposed to be a great day spent with the family.

I am single, so what?

Just because I am single for the longest time doesn’t there is something wrong with me (probably there is but no one is allowed to say that but me). Am I making excuses for my being single? No. It just pisses me off when people made comments carelessly when  they hardly know me.

What caused this? When I got to the office and my phone’s connected to WiFi, my FB chat started receiving messages one of those is this annoying thread:

It’s not all about me, a friend of mine and a friend of hers (both of them were my classmates in college),  one of them, probably my friend, made a group chat box and included me in the people who can join them.  They were just shooting the breeze, catching up with each other. Then they started planning a met up and my friend mentioned my name.

Her friend then ask, “so how’s her love life anyway?”

My friend answered “still zero, I actually want to introduce her to some of my male friends” (or something along that line).

Her friend replied “why does it seems like love is eluding her? Is there something wrong with her?”

My friend said “Probably because men are intimidated by her, she seemed aloof and distant”.

Her friend then said “I don’t believe in that, men will pursue your despite your indifference, if they really like you (I totally agree with her).  She must have some sort of an “attitude” (whatever that means), No offend ha (yup! she said no offend haha).

My friend  joked “Probably not, maybe she’s just into girls” (No, I am so into men).

Then she changed the topic.

I know for most, it’s nothing, unless you are the one being accused of having an “attitude”, what does that it even means? Everyone has an attitude (good,bad, annoying).  I was so pissed and annoyed. She doesn’t even know anything about me.  Why did they even included me in their group chat? There is only one person in that group that I consider my friend, the rest were just college classmates.

What made her think that there is something wrong with me?  Just because I don’t have a boyfriend and they all have kids already? For all she knew I probably just dated guys and don’t take them seriously (which I don’t).  I probably don’t like guys (I like guys). I probably enjoy being single ( I do). I am probably waiting for the man who will sweep me off my feet (yes I do) . I probably been hurt so badly before and don’t want to love anymore (no). I  might be so in love with someone who doesn’t return my affection (another no).  I probably just want to stay single for the rest of my life (No). I probably haven’t met a guy that is worth my time (which is true, If I met a guy who I really like, I would definitely do something about it).   The point is, there could be a million reasons why I am single and no one can really tell (except me). So before you run your mouth, make sure that you don’t offend people by saying things that are not only offensive but also nonsense. Another thing, if you will use English language, make sure you’re right, otherwise you’ll just one of those trying hard people who thought just because you can speak English means you are so smart and sosyal (a very unique Filipino trait).

Is that how other people see me? A person with “attitude” because I am still single? Well, screw them. I never cared what other people thought of me before and  I won’t start now.  I am just so annoyed at this very moment that I have to let this out through writing.  A few minutes and I will be fine and laugh at all these silliness.

There I let it out and I feel so much better. Just what I need, an outlet, a way to rant freely.

Let it go

It’s probably time to let it go.

When we want something so bad, we do everything in our power to make it happen. We exhaust all possibilities, we run ourselves ragged, bleed ourselves dry. Sounds too much right?  I am not talking about material, financial or physical things.  I just want the best for my family and look where it got me. Right now, in misery.  I’ll be fine, things will get better and all of these will just be a faint memory, a life’s lesson learned the hard way.

It sucks when someone doesn’t appreciate what you are doing for them but to carelessly throw away the things that you have worked so freaking hard for is worse and to see that person hell bent on destroying his life when all you wanted for him was a good future is the worst. I tried so hard and done everything I can. There were so many times I wanted to give up but that is not who I am. There were times that I feel so tired and unappreciated then I will remember what Father Fidel once said in one of his homilies;

Don’t ask God why he is your brother/mother/daughter, instead ask yourself why you are his/her sister/son/parent, there is a reason why it was you.  There is a reason why God put you in that person’s life, you  could probably be the only one who can help, if not you, who else then?”

and for the longest time I carried those words in my heart, believing that all those hard work will soon come to fruition.  I don’t mind supporting my family, I am actually happy that I can do something for them but I also want them to become independent, strong and decent human being.

Being the eldest in the family. I felt like it is my duty to see to their well being, one of those is for them to finish college. Sending them to school is not easy, there were times that I am so broke, that I literally lived from paycheck to paycheck. I didn’t regret what I did and still doing for them, I just hope that they match it with their determination to help themselves. It’s not so hard right? Go to school, get good grades (if not at least pass the subjects for pity’s sake). They didn’t have to endured what I have been through when I was the one studying (but that’s another story). Life is easier for them, I made sure of that.  All through my life I have dreamed of giving my family a beautiful life but it won’t be possible if they don’t want the same thing.  It always takes two to tango.  It doesn’t matter how hard I work or pray for them if they are doing their best to ruin their lives.  Despite seeing not so good things on them, I keep on hoping that they will change their ways, I always tell God that all the things that are beyond my control, I leave it all in His capable hands.

This is actually about a brother of mine, whom for years have tormented us with his bad behavior.  Lately he is getting worse, he is irresponsible, lazy, rude, mean, disrespectful,liar and plain stupid.  He is already 16 but still in 2nd year in high school and sadly he won’t even finish it.  My sister went to his school this morning to pay his tuition and talk to his teacher. It turned out that he is not attending his classes for months already and even if he go back to school at this point there is no way he can pass any of his subjects. Why I wasn’t shocked about this? The signs are all there, we are just in denial.  Everyday someone has to wake him up or he won’t be able to go to school, I have never seen him wake up voluntarily during schooldays.  His notebooks are empty, no notes whatsoever, he never did his assignments, he never submitted any project, never join the school activities. He never really wanted to go to school, I am just so stubborn, the one who insists that he go back to school.  He took his 1st year 3 times already.  First year, he failed all but his 2 subjects; 2nd year, he just dropped out; 3rd year, I transferred him to a “better” school hoping that the change in environment will change him too. Thank God, he passed his first year, how he was able to pass that year was beyond my understanding.  Come 2nd year, he got worse, spend more and more time in computer games and with his “friends”.  And now came the bad news, all along I was just wasting my money on him. That is not what breaks my heart, I can always earn money, but the time he kept on wasting can never be recovered. One day, he will realize his wrong doings and decided to change but that might be too late. I won’t be there anymore, I have my own life too. That is the reason why I am helping them now, so that someday they can stand on their own feet and won’t bother our parents (they’ll get old too).  For all the awful things he did to us, I have forgiven him, this one I don’t think I can, at least not yet.  I loathe him. I am officially disowning him.  I am not supposed to say this but he is demon seed,  spawn of Satan.  No, I am not mad, I am furious.

So yeah it’s time to let my dream of seeing them enjoying a beautiful life go, time to accept the fact that some people are just not worth it.  It freaking hurts, how could he throw away his future just like that. After all I did, this is how he repay me.  I don’t need an applause, I don’t even need their thank yous, I just want them to take their lives seriously and be responsible for their actions. What now? I don’t know about him but my life will go on, one less thing to worry about.

I am letting go.