Let it go

It’s probably time to let it go.

When we want something so bad, we do everything in our power to make it happen. We exhaust all possibilities, we run ourselves ragged, bleed ourselves dry. Sounds too much right?  I am not talking about material, financial or physical things.  I just want the best for my family and look where it got me. Right now, in misery.  I’ll be fine, things will get better and all of these will just be a faint memory, a life’s lesson learned the hard way.

It sucks when someone doesn’t appreciate what you are doing for them but to carelessly throw away the things that you have worked so freaking hard for is worse and to see that person hell bent on destroying his life when all you wanted for him was a good future is the worst. I tried so hard and done everything I can. There were so many times I wanted to give up but that is not who I am. There were times that I feel so tired and unappreciated then I will remember what Father Fidel once said in one of his homilies;

Don’t ask God why he is your brother/mother/daughter, instead ask yourself why you are his/her sister/son/parent, there is a reason why it was you.  There is a reason why God put you in that person’s life, you  could probably be the only one who can help, if not you, who else then?”

and for the longest time I carried those words in my heart, believing that all those hard work will soon come to fruition.  I don’t mind supporting my family, I am actually happy that I can do something for them but I also want them to become independent, strong and decent human being.

Being the eldest in the family. I felt like it is my duty to see to their well being, one of those is for them to finish college. Sending them to school is not easy, there were times that I am so broke, that I literally lived from paycheck to paycheck. I didn’t regret what I did and still doing for them, I just hope that they match it with their determination to help themselves. It’s not so hard right? Go to school, get good grades (if not at least pass the subjects for pity’s sake). They didn’t have to endured what I have been through when I was the one studying (but that’s another story). Life is easier for them, I made sure of that.  All through my life I have dreamed of giving my family a beautiful life but it won’t be possible if they don’t want the same thing.  It always takes two to tango.  It doesn’t matter how hard I work or pray for them if they are doing their best to ruin their lives.  Despite seeing not so good things on them, I keep on hoping that they will change their ways, I always tell God that all the things that are beyond my control, I leave it all in His capable hands.

This is actually about a brother of mine, whom for years have tormented us with his bad behavior.  Lately he is getting worse, he is irresponsible, lazy, rude, mean, disrespectful,liar and plain stupid.  He is already 16 but still in 2nd year in high school and sadly he won’t even finish it.  My sister went to his school this morning to pay his tuition and talk to his teacher. It turned out that he is not attending his classes for months already and even if he go back to school at this point there is no way he can pass any of his subjects. Why I wasn’t shocked about this? The signs are all there, we are just in denial.  Everyday someone has to wake him up or he won’t be able to go to school, I have never seen him wake up voluntarily during schooldays.  His notebooks are empty, no notes whatsoever, he never did his assignments, he never submitted any project, never join the school activities. He never really wanted to go to school, I am just so stubborn, the one who insists that he go back to school.  He took his 1st year 3 times already.  First year, he failed all but his 2 subjects; 2nd year, he just dropped out; 3rd year, I transferred him to a “better” school hoping that the change in environment will change him too. Thank God, he passed his first year, how he was able to pass that year was beyond my understanding.  Come 2nd year, he got worse, spend more and more time in computer games and with his “friends”.  And now came the bad news, all along I was just wasting my money on him. That is not what breaks my heart, I can always earn money, but the time he kept on wasting can never be recovered. One day, he will realize his wrong doings and decided to change but that might be too late. I won’t be there anymore, I have my own life too. That is the reason why I am helping them now, so that someday they can stand on their own feet and won’t bother our parents (they’ll get old too).  For all the awful things he did to us, I have forgiven him, this one I don’t think I can, at least not yet.  I loathe him. I am officially disowning him.  I am not supposed to say this but he is demon seed,  spawn of Satan.  No, I am not mad, I am furious.

So yeah it’s time to let my dream of seeing them enjoying a beautiful life go, time to accept the fact that some people are just not worth it.  It freaking hurts, how could he throw away his future just like that. After all I did, this is how he repay me.  I don’t need an applause, I don’t even need their thank yous, I just want them to take their lives seriously and be responsible for their actions. What now? I don’t know about him but my life will go on, one less thing to worry about.

I am letting go.