Am I? Maybe. What’s for sure is that I am not settling for anything less than what I believe I deserve. I know it’s kinda weird for a woman of my age to not be in a relationship. Most woman of my age is either married, some with kids already or engaged. If I would be so affected with all the bullshit about getting married and pregnant while I am still young (which means right now, because giving birth might get risky when I try them later), I would probably be so pressured, I don’t have a boyfriend and I am not even dating anyone, how on earth will I get married or pregnant? And don’t let me start on the fact that I am not ready to settle down, I am not even sure if I will be ready in the next 5 years, with the right guy maybe I will but as of the moment all I want is to enjoy life. Take life has to offer and if it means being single then why not? Do I sound defensive? I don’t care. I don’t hate men, I would actually welcome a man right now but there is really nothing I mean no one in my life right now and it has been ever since I can remember. Why is that? I really don’t know. I am not that picky but then I am not desperate either. Of course I have this “ideal man” in mind but I know that there’s really no ideal guy, just someone who will love me enough to put up with all my “uniqueness”. The only thing that I don’t like about being single is the way people react once they found about my “predicament”, as if I have a disorder of some sort. What’s wrong if a woman just wanted to stay single for a long time? Why bother to try to justify something as trivial as that? I really don’t like people asking me if I have a boyfriend, since I don’t have one the next question would be “why?” maybe I should also ask back and say “what the hell do you mean why?” But being the good old me means being polite and I just smile wishing they would just drop the Spanish inquisition act. Some would get a clue and let me be, some would just suddenly realize they had the makings of a great interrogator. They’d keep on asking “am I picky” and I want to say yes I am picky just to shut them up but the little nice me will reign and stay polite and make lame excuses like “well, I just haven’t met the man that will swept me off feet” or something to that effect and hoping that by that time they will notice my discomfort and let me and if they still can’t I won’t be responsible to what will come out of my mouth, I could be mean sometimes and a simple “none of your business” could really offend a bunch of nosy people. Why would I even bother to explain when I myself don’t know the reasons and I just don’t focus too much on things that don’t exist. It maybe because I am not pretty enough (but only those people who doesn’t love themselves will agree to that, and I do love myself!) or the only few guys that showed interest doesn’t give me any feelings aside from discomfort and uncertainty, like I don’t know what to do with them. So I keep doing what I do best, ignore them. Sometimes I would think about it and wonder what if I gave that guy a chance but then when I imagine going out with any of them I cringe. Sometimes I am contemplating a life without a man at all but then I don’t want to miss out so much in life. I am not so adventurous but even Ms. Play it Safe wants to fall in love. There I said it! Falling in love, sounds so beautiful and so distant as far as I am concerned. Reading too much romance novels didn’t help, instead of being a hopeless romantic I became wary of guys, telling myself that it could only happen in the imaginary world where man loves a woman like he needs his next breathe. I’ve read enough romance novels so sweet and perfect enough to sustain me a lifetime. There were guys that are swoon worthy without seeing them. I really wish in the right time I would have a guy like that too. A man who would respect my identity, accept the real me and would support me in reaching for my dreams. A guy who loves life as much as I do and would be my partner in life. Okay enough of that cheesiness.
I don’t just enjoy my single blessedness, I love it. I love just living for myself, I mean I do have my family that I still take care of but there is freedom in knowing that you can do things without asking permission from someone else especially now that I am an adult and my parents pretty much let me do what I want. It is great to have enough time to explore that side of me I can’t really figure out yet. To try things and decide on life without discussing it first with someone else. Of course there is no such thing as absolute freedom but being single and unattached is the closest I could have.
Back to the question, am I holding out for a hero? Yes, I am waiting for a hero that is tailored perfectly for me by God himself.