A Day of Mourning

Today, January 30, 2015, is the National Day of Mourning for the 44 PNP Special Action Force commandos killed during the “misencounter” with alleged members of the Moro Islamic Liberation Front and breakaway group Bangsamoro Islamic Freedom fighters at Mamasapano, Maguindanao while chasing high-ranking terrorists Zulkifli Abdhir and Basit Usman.  All public institutions and military installations, are instructed to lower the Philippine flag to half-mast in honor of the members of the Philippine National Police Special Action Force. A day when not only the country mourns the fallen 44 but also cries for justice and truth.  Justice for their death and truth as to what really happened and how a covert operation turned into an ambush/massacre.

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A day of mourning it is, but it’s also a day of rage and cry for justice and truth. And where the hell is our feakin President?

I was trying so hard to fight my tears during the mass when the priest offered a special prayer for the fallen PNP-SAF members. I know that death in that line of work is expected.  What is unacceptable is the fact that it look likes they were a flock of sheep lured into a den of wolves. Whatever happened to the intel? Is there any?  This has happened during the peace talk between the government and MILF.  This is how they think peace is all about? They call it misencounter, whatever that means, I call this massacre.

Where do we go from here? After the fallen commandos  have been given their medal of valor and laid to their resting place?  What now? Should we proceed with the peace process or should we stop it until the justice has been served? Or should we just scrap the whole peace talk?

Some want to call  the peace process to a halt and get even with those rebels and it’s understandable but what happens next?  Will the terror and violence end after an all out war with those who fight the government?  Or will it only be the beginning of a civil war that will take thousands of lives on a regular basis. Such as what is happening with Israel and Palestine. Should we live our lives with death and violence on a daily basis? I am all for the peace talk but I want those perpetrators brought to justice first.  We shouldn’t let them get away with this.

This reminds me of the Maguindanao Massacre, which until now remain unsolved.

Life is just so complicated,messy,dangerous and heart wrenching but here we are clinging on to it so dearly.

P.S

Shame on our President, the Commander-in-Chief, Pres. Benigno Aquino for not attending the arrivals rights of the fallen SAF in Villamor Airbase, is this how he pay his respects to those “heroes”?  Instead he was at an inauguration of an automobile plant somewhere in Laguna.  Wow, just think on how he set his priorities.  Netizens showed their outrage by hastagging nasaanangpangulo (where is the president?).   The father of our nation does not even have the decency to show up at the arrival rights of his “children” who died following his orders. For shame.  

 I bet his sister, the actress, Kris Aquino, would be doing her best to create scandals to divert the Filipino’s attention (who happened to have short-term memory as the history says and based from my observations).

Its more Fun in the Philippines they say.

Tired

I need to get out of this bad mood or I won’t get anything done.  I start the day angry, disappointed and miserable, thanks to a family member that just won’t quit messing up with my life. If could see him now, I would punch him so freaking hard.  This episode put me in a very grumpy state.  I started remembering all the bad things he did to me.

I don’t deserve this (but then I am sure I am not the only one who shouts this in despair).  I don’t mean to sound so depressed or dejected, I just need to get this out of my system.  What happened this morning made me reevaluate so many things in my life.  It reminded me of how much shit I put up with just so I can help the whole family and what do I get in return?  The usual, humiliation, disappointment, headaches and ungratefulness.  This made me think of reassessing my priorities and of putting myself first.  I have so many plans for changes in my life at the moment.  I asked God to guide me and don’t let me do anything rash and to make me stronger and never succumb to my raging emotions.

I just hate this feeling of being trapped in a place you want to get away from but stayed anyway because of sense of responsibility.  I want to run away from everyone.  I need space.

I am so tired and I can’t even afford to stop for a while. So many people rely on me, the same people who hurt me.

Hello 2015

January 4, 2014

1:30 am

Still awake, been up all night watching movies; Hang Over 3, Predestination, Argo and Epic.  Tomorrow is going to my first day of work for 2015.  I had a long Christmas vacation, 2 weeks and I am quite bored at home but don’t think I am ready to back to work yet.  I don’t only have to prepare myself for my job but also for a new trimester at school.  I am excited and I know it’s not going to be easy having a full time job and pursuing graduate studies but I’ll do great, I am claiming it.

For the past two weeks I haven’t really took the time to write down anything or read those books waiting for me.  I did read a lot but all of them romance novels and they don’t count as far as my reading challenge is concerned.  I have planned before the Christmas vacation that I am going to make this break a productive one, reading books in my to-be read pile and writing on my journal or my blog.  I wrote one for my blog but I only forced myself to do it.  It seems like I am not really into writing as I want to believe.  I remember writing a lot in my journal before when I am stressed out, miserable, angry and just wanting to let off some steam.  Writing is my solace when things get messy but when I am happy I rarely write, usually I just force myself to write anything just so that I can read something light and positive in my journal or blog.  I remember deciding to focus on improving my “writing skills”, dedicating at least an hour writing just about anything and here I am months after, still procrastinating.  I am really busy but that shouldn’t be an excuse if I want to be successful, if I want to do something that makes me happy.

Lately, I spent a lot of time sleeping, reading and re-reading romance novels, playing in my tablet, catching up on my favorite TV series and watching movies and I sometimes feel guilty.  I would tell myself that I deserve it after a very challenging year at work, dealing with my family, pursuing MBA and all those little things that need to be done.  I feel guilty because I promised to myself that I would read Dan Brown’s Inferno (it’s paperback I bought 4 months ago), J.R.R. Tolkien’s Fellowship of the Rings (I scoured BookSale for months for this), George R.R. Martin’s  Storm of Swords (which I requested in my wish list for our office’s exchange gift).  Years ago, I would have devoured all these books but recently I am more comfortable reading on my tablet (I can read in bed with the lights off) and I can bring it with me anywhere but I also love the experience of touching a real book, smelling it and flipping the pages.  I can blame it to my lack of personal space.  I don’t want reading in the living room because it’s always noisy with my siblings around.   I share a room with my sisters and I can’t read if the light is out, I know I should get an overhead lamp or something that Jessica Day uses when she’s reading on her bed (a light like surgeons use when they are operating).  I just feel bad that I kept on ignoring these awesome books in favor of romance novels and if I have to be honest I would say that I chose them because I don’t have to think when reading them and for someone who’s stressed-out at work and school, it’s not unlikely. I have been reading Malcolm Gladwell’s Outliers and it is an amazing book, the problem is once I stopped reading it, I find it so hard to continue which boggles me because I really love it (again probably because I have to think when I am reading that book).  I will finish that book within the first week of January 2015 and will start on books of my favorite non-romance authors.

I have to pull myself together, be mindful of the things that I am doing and make sure that I don’t waste time doing things that will not help me become the person I always wanted to be: smart, confident, responsible, respectable, healthy and compassionate (the list could go on).  I need to write this down as a reminder to myself that everything I do will affect my future and I have to be conscious of how I spend every precious second of my life.  What do I want? Is it realistic? How can I accomplish it? What do I have to do?  I need to have purpose and stay focused.  That’s one of my flaws but I can’t let that get in the way, I have to get ahold of myself, I am no longer a kid.  Yeah, age in not an issue, should never be, but I should make the most of my years and I want to do something that I can be proud of and say that my almost 30 years of existence is not a waste of time and space.

To be fair, I had a great year.  2014 has been so challenging but equally rewarding to me.  I cried, had my hope crushed, worked so hard, put my heart in something that I always wanted and it paid off.  The past year has been a myriad of experiences and emotions, a roller coaster ride and boy did I enjoy it.  I had some of my worst moments in 2014 but it also had some of my best and happiest days.  2014 had taught me that hard work pays off, perseverance and resilience can really get you somewhere, sometimes sheer determination is the only thing that stands between failure and triumph, going after my dreams maybe hard but it’s definitely worth the effort and that I really need to listen to what my soul says, go after what it yearns for because life would be empty if I don’t.  There are some people in my life that are hell bent on destroying their lives and in turn mine and I just have to admit that I am better off without them, that I owe it to myself to stay away from people that suck the happiness out of me.

Looking back, I asked myself, what made 2014 so amazing?  What did I do?  Can I do it again?  Can I make my 2015 as great as my 2014 was or can I make it better?  The answers are all within me and yes I can make 2015 better, I am claiming it.  Starting with my habits,  my daily routine and my goals.  I haven’t checked my entire to-do list for 2014 but almost, so for 2015 I should do better.  I am not into the whole New Year’s resolution; I believe that anyone can decide to start over again anytime.  I just use the start and end of the year as a measuring stick, to determine how I am doing so far in comparison to what I want to achieve.  I am very ambitious, even as a young kid and growing up I learned that it’s not as easy as it seems.  Plans alone won’t get you anywhere.  Forces out of your control will mess up with your life, people will do stupid things that will affect your life and spin it out of control.  I am a control freak; I want everything to fall according to plan, which rarely happens.  Sometimes no matter how much you try to make life better there are just things that you can’t control, they will mess up with your carefully planned out life and sometimes all you can do is ride the tide, wait for it calm down and then do your thing, make everything count cause you don’t know when will the tide will rise and how high it can be.  There is no such thing as security, so you just have to keep riding that beast we call life, like a rider on a back of a wild horse, move with it and don’t let it throw you off, but when it does be sure to pick yourself up and get back on the saddle until you get the hang out.  Going back to what I can do to make 2015 better, I will have to start on my daily routine.  The usual; wake up early, come to office on time, work efficiently, leave work on time, exercise,e xcel in class, read and write more, go out more, basically making the most of each day.

I decided that this is going to be a year for myself.  For years, I dedicated my life and money helping my family, working so hard to improve our quality of life and I still will but this year I will put myself first and no I won’t feel any guilt.  I deserve this.

For this year I hope to accomplish this list.

  1. I hope to start a workout regimen and stick with it (something I failed to do last year) even when my schedule gets crazy, I have to remind myself that my body is my weapon and if I don’t take care of it, it won’t take care of me. I have to eat more healthy food (I try all the time but it’s not easy).
  2. Read those books have been in my to be read pile for years, books that from various genres. Read more books written by local authors (aside from Bob Ong and Jessica Zafra).
  3. Write more, in my journal and blog. Make my blog more professional (even if no one else reads it). Start a novel (even if it sucks).
  4. Save, save, save. I am almost 30 and my savings is not something I am proud of.
  5. Excel in school. Ace the subjects.
  6. Have a boyfriend. I have to work on it, I don’t know how but I will. Date a few before choosing one to be my boyfriend, so I better do this soon.
  7. Travel abroad, to Hong Kong or Singapore and to Cambodia. Travel more locally. Have a separate savings for travel.
  8. Be more efficient and effective in my job. No more loose strings, finish as much paper works as I can in each day. Do things in advance. Be the best SRS there is. Decide which career path I am going to pursue and start working on it.
  9. Have our house improved. Will take lots of money but I know I can make this happen.
  10. Be more in touch with my spiritual side.
  11. Be the best daughter, sister, friend, employee, girlfriend I can be 🙂

Hello 2015, I am so excited for your.  I have a feeling you and I are going to have a great time together.